Brunch for the Unbeautiful People
My boyfriend came up with THE most brilliant idea ever in the history of the universe. It was National Grilled Cheese Day. And I fucking LOVE me some grilled cheese, y’all. So he gets home from work, and I greet him at the door just repeatedly screamed “NATIONAL GRILLED CHEESE DAY NATIONAL GRILLED CHEESE DAY NATIONAL GRILLED CHEESE DAY” and it took several minutes for me to calm down. Unfortunately, we had no bread. James bakes and offered to bake some bread from scratch, but I couldn’t wait that long and I started screaming again so he says “Ok! ok! I’ll figure something out!” James found a package of crescent rolls in the fridge and used them in rectangle form as the bread. It was the best thing I have ever put in my mouth. [full stop]
The point of that story is that it pays to have a package of crescent rolls hangin’ around in your fridge. You can make an awesome brunch casserole with them, and then all you’ll need is champagne and orange juice.
- 1 package crescent rolls
- Veggie sausage
- 4 eggs
- 1 1/2-2 cups mozzarella cheese
- 1 roma tomato, diced
- 1 green pepper, diced
- Green onion, diced (sense a theme)
- Salt ‘n’ Pepa, oregano, basil, thyme
Let’s Get It On
- Heat the oven to 425. I didn’t even know my oven went that high.
- Grease a baking dish and spread out the crescent dough on the bottom. Smush the holes together (that’s what she said.) Sidenote: I recently saw at the grocery store that Pillsbury is selling just sheets of the dough instead of perforated sheets. I’m not quite sure why it took them so long to think of this idea (“Wait a tick, let’s NOT punch holes in our product!) but it’s brilliant. If you can score some of that shit, you won’t have no holes to smush.
- Cook the veggie sausage in a pan over medium heat and then chop up into crumbles. Another grocery store opportunity: they do sell sausage crumbles (instead of the whole composed thing). But, I mean, come on. If you’re going THAT far to buy stuff to save you steps, why are you cooking at all?
- Spread the sausage crumbles out across the valley of crescent dough. Sprinkle your vegetables and onions across. If you like a kick in your brunch, try some jalapenos. I personally don’t like the feeling of my tongue melting off, just as I don’t like scary movies because, like tongue-melting, fear is not a pleasant emotion and I don’t get people who go out of their way for that shit. But we’re getting off topic.
- Sprinkle the cheese across all the vegetables.
- Beat the eggs with the milk and add the spices to the eggs. Rain down the eggs on the helpless village beloooowwww
- Bake uncovered for about 12 minutes, or until the edges of the crescent dough are brown. If you don’t have edges poking out, take the pan out and look in the bottom (if it’s clear, obvs) to see if the dough has baked all the way through. Let it cool for a few minutes before serving so the eggs can set.
Goddammit, now I really want mimosas.
We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread… we also sell frozen yogurt, which I call “frogurt”!
I was driving back from tutoring a high school student for the SAT today, and all of a sudden the back windshield flew off of the Impala in front of the car in front of me, whipped into a pole in the divider, and shattered into one trillion pieces, many of which hit my car. I broke my Lenten promise to stop swearing and yelled “HOLY FUCKING SHITNUTS! THAT WAS AWESOME!” I didn’t even know that could HAPPEN, and I did NOT expect it to shatter like that.
The same thing happened when I made this banana and peanut butter ice cream/frogurt. When I put the frozen bananas in the food processor (which, incidentally, makes the lights in my Revolutionary War-era apartment flicker every time I pulse it) I did NOT expect the creamy, incredibly flavorful result. FEAST YOUR EYES, MINIONS.
- One mature banana
- 2 tablespoons peanut butter
- cocoa powder (optional. I didn’t use it, I don’t really like peanut butter and chocolate together. Blasphemy, I know)
Let’s Get It On
- Slice le banana. Spread the slices out on a plate and put in the freezer for 2-4 hours.
- Drop the frozen slices into a blender or food processor and pulse. Things will get really creamy really fast, and you’ll be all “woahhhh I didn’t know bananas did that!”
- Add the peanut butter and cocoa powder if you’re using it. There’s sugar in the peanut butter (and natural sugars in the banana, I suppose. But I don’t count those as real because they don’t fatten you up all nice-like), so you don’t have to add any more.
- You can eat this right away, as it will be cold from le frozen bananas. I scooped it all into a bowl and put it back in the freezer for 20 minutes because I like my frogurt a little firmer. Like my men. And my mattresses.
So this recipe and the last one both used bananas. That’s because every time I get a bunch of bananas, I’m all “Oh yeah I’m gonna eat like 5 bananas a day and be all healthy and stuff” and then I remember that I live next door to a Dunkin Donuts and my bananas turn brown. EVERY TIME. This recipe is way better with the older bananas, since they’re softer and that’s what you’re going for. So when someone comes into your house and sees your browning bananas and starts giving you the stink-eye, tell them “I’m actually ripening those to make homemade ice cream, you hoity toity prick.”
Holy Crap These Pancakes are So Easy, If you Screw them Up then We’re not Friends
Funny story about the coffee mug: When James and I went to Florida for his best friend’s wedding, he left me with his family for 3 days while he went off and did bachelor activities (he swears there were no boobies). The first two days I hung out with his sister on the beach and was all “damn Titusville, you fine!” and then it was the Lord’s Day. Now, I am no stranger to church. Far from it— my family is Catholic, so besides being solemn every single week, we frequently have multi-mass weekends of aerobic services (stand up, sit down, stand, kneel, shake hands, walk to communion, squat and clean 50 kg, kneel, siiiiing!). But I was not prepared for the First Baptist Church of Aurantia. I was there for FOUR HOURS: first we had “band practice” (because this church has like, a full symphony orchestra), then bible study (where the women and men were separated), then two hours of church in which we sang songs that were very catchy and rhymed a lot and had our lyrics projected on two enormous screens on either side of the altar. Afterwards, one of the ladies from the church approached me and gave me this mug, which was filled with coffee samples, sweetner, a CD of religious spoken word, and confetti, all wrapped up in plastic and tied with ribbons. I was like “Ohhhh that’s so nice but… I’m already buds with the J-man…”
Long story short, I drink my coffee out of this mug every single day. This morning, I drank it with these banana pancakes which are literally the easiest and coolest thing ever, not to mention insanely healthy— no carb, no sugar, and only negligible fat if you use butter.
- One banana
- Two eggs
- NOTHING ELSE SERIOUSLY OH MAAAN
Let’s Get It On
- Mash the banana in a bowl. Crack the eggs into the bowl and mix together thoroughly.
- Spray a griddle or pan with Pam, or grease it slightly with butter (if not a nonstick pan. The butter makes it taste good but really negates that whole “healthy as shit” thing I was just bragging about). Pour a small amount of batter onto the griddle/pan. It’s better to make a bunch of small pancakes than larger ones because there’s no flour to hold them together, so big ones will break easily.
- Brown on both sides. If you can flip them all fancy-like, DO THAT. If you’re like me and just end up with a pile of pancakes on the floor and a very angry cat who was just hit in the face with a pancake, probably just use a spatula.
- OM NOM NOM
Because I’m currently a sad lonely cat lady, I just made one batch. one banana and two eggs made six small-medium pancakes. They’re a little thin, again because it’s just bananas and eggs. I suppose you COULD add flour, but oh my GOD how many times do I have to tell you how healthy this can be?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? This is why I drink.
Fried Vegetables are Still Vegetables and Thus are Healthy
On Saturday we went out to this place that is apparently known for its amazing unique hotdogs. So I’m sitting there, bein’ all vegetarian an whatnot, while all my friends and hangers-on are deep throating the most incredible-smelling hotdogs I have ever encountered. The buns are toasted, the dog is sticking out both sides as it should, and all I can do is just mutter “pig anus…pig anus…pig anus” to myself to stop me from diving across the table and taking that delicious mess out of that Indian guy’s roommate’s girlfriend’s mouth.
Which brings me to this recipe: sometimes even vegetarians need delicious fried goodness. We just take issue with the pig anus. These fritters are totally anus-free.
- 1 package frozen spinach, thawed and drained
- 1/2 zucchini, 1/2 yellow squash
- 1 shallot
- 2 eggs (apparently they only have brown eggs in Boston? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS CITY)
- Chopped chives
- Lemon zest or splash of lemon juice
- Salt ‘n’ Pepa
- 1 tablespoon butter
Let’s Get It On
- Shred the zucchini and squash on a grater. Or flail wildly in the general direction of the vegetables with knives.
- Mix the shredded veggies with the spinach. Squeeze out and sop up as much moisture out of the vegetables as possible. If you have flour lying around (as we all do), sprinkle a little over the vegetables to soak up some more moisture.
- Add the chopped chives and chopped shallots to the other vegetables. Chop these bitches coarsely. No time for sissy brunoising. Sprinkle all the vegetables with the salt ‘n’ pepa, then push it! Push it real good!
- Beat the eggs in a medium-sized bowl along with the lemon zest or juice. Add the veggies to the eggs and mix well.
- Melt the butter in a large pan over medium-high heat. Drop rounded tablespoons into the pan and squish down with a spatula. This will make them ka-rispee! Leave the mounds frying there for a while; if you turn them too soon, they’ll fall apart like your future loveless marriage.
- If you’re making a large batch, do three at a time; once they’re frittered put them under the broiler for a few minutes while you fritter the next batch.
Hey, remember that time a few weeks ago when I taught you to make tzatziki? These go great with those. And there’s no cheese in them, MISS SARAH.
You get vegetables! And you get vegetables! VEGETABUULLLLLSSSSS
I would venture a guess to say that I am not the only female who keeps a list of areas in which I excel in my head so that when I encounter a female who happens to be better than I am in some way, i can access the list and comfort myself. You know “Oh, she’s really hot…BUT I GO TO HARVARD. Oh, she’s hot AND she goes to Harvard? Well I AM AN EXCELLENT VOCALIST. Oh, she sings too? I SHALL KICK HER ASS ON THE SOFTBALL FIELD. And no, I don’t want to know if she plays softball or not. My brain is tired.”
Well, I accessed this list when looking at this dish. It’s just so fucking pretty it makes me mad. But hey guess what, vegetable tian? I’MMA EAT YOU UP
- 1/2 yellow onion, roughly chopped
- 1 zucchini (dong veg!)
- 1 yellow squash (Asian dong veg!) (Inappropriate)
- 3 roma tomatoes
- 2 red potatoes
- 1/2 cup (plus…) grated parm
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- Salt ‘n’ pepa, thyme
- 2 tablespoons olive oil, plus a splash
Let’s Get It On
- Hokay, So. Heat le oven to 375.
- Cook the onions and garlic in one tablespoon olive oil until you can see right through those traitorous onions. I TRUSTED YOU, ONIONS
- Grease a pie pan with the splash of olive oil (or cooking spray, if you don’t like lubing up your hands as much as I do). Spread the onions across the bottom of the pie pan.
- Cut the zucchini, potato, squash, and tomatoes into 1/4 inch slices. The best way to do this is with a mandolin— they’ll be perfectly even and it goes really quickly so you don’t have to hear their tiny screams as you slice their heads off. The tomatoes won’t cut on the mandolin, though, because they’re too soft (even firm roma tomatoes). So too fuckin bad, punk.
- Alternate slices of all vegetables around the pie pan, starting at the outside standing the slices on their sides (in other words, don’t lay them flat). Keep stuffing them in so they’re tightly packed (that’s what she said). Sprinkle the dish with the spices. Drizzle a tablespoon of olive oil across the top.
- Cover the dish in foil and bake for 35 minutes (or until the potatoes are tender). Uncover and sprinkle the parm over the top— a little blizzard, your own personal Nemo. Cook for an additional 25 minutes, or until the cheese is browned.
This dish would probably work best as a side since it has no protein, but I just had it for dinner by myself. I know what you’re thinking, but NO, this is not a ratatouille. I know you were really excited about the prospect of making the titular (tee-hee, titular) dish from that Disney movie about RATS NEAR YOUR FOOD, but this is not that. The difference, if you really care, is that in a ratatouille you actually cook the vegetables separately first and then put in the dish together to bake, and the tomatoes are usually in the form of a sauce. But honest to God, unless you’re playing Geisha to a wealthy but perverted businessman from Nice with a penchant for impressionable peasant hussies, call it a goddamn ratatouille and ride the self-congratulatory wave I know you so badly want.
Also, RATS NEAR YOUR FOOD. HOW CAN YOU LIKE THAT MOVIE? RATS ARE NOT THAT CUTE IN REAL LIFE. THEY ARE DISGUSTING AND I DO NOT WANT THEM NEAR MY FOOD.